I seem to be moving away from having whatever-theism define my path (I’m hesitant to call it a “faith” at this point)… questions of hard or soft polytheism, vs. panentheism, vs. monotheism, no longer interest me in the slightest. Starhawk’s question, “How many is water?”, speaks entirely to my condition: I call myself Pagan because that’s the name that is closest to what I do, sort of like the definition of jazz music – it’s what jazz musicians play.
I’m becoming (as before, but even more so) interested in experience vs. theory, and “living it” as opposed to thinking about it – recognizing that I have, for a long time, been using thinking as a buffer against doing and being – and, as a logical follow-on from that, I am also losing interest in writing about it.
I am trying to follow my heart and my gut – and right now my heart tells me that it is time to sit with my questions; and that the work of my hands, my relationship with my family, and the cultivation of my spiritual/emotional life (in relation to Spirit) need to take precedence over the thinking and the writing.
I think my heart is also leading me back to OBOD – the emphasis on cultivating both creativity and right relationship with “the Mama”, and the joyful inclusion of the Matter of Britain, all are calling me back. Forests and fields, water and earth, land sea and sky – at this point they are closer and more dear to me than the Gods, Who seem to have stepped back (at least for the time being). Also, my medievalist soul is simply not fed by the Classical and Hellenistic worlds to the degree that I had hoped.
Once again, I feel like I’m coming home…