Winter is coming, and that means one thing – food is becoming scarce and if we’re not careful, starvation is sure to follow. In the spirit of helping my reader survive the coming season of cold and deprivation, I would like to offer the following suggestions for a happy and healthy winter.
1. Gorge now, while the food is still around. I know what you’re thinking, this is easier said than done – but this first step is vital in your race against the reaper. Fortunately, our ancestors in their wisdom devised a little thing called the Christmas party to help with this. Also, if you work in an office it’s a good idea to take full advantage of the high-calorie, high-fat treats floating around the room right now – in a week or two they will vanish like snow in summer, but if you grab them now they can be valuable allies in the coming struggle.
2. Hibernate. This one is just common sense, but I feel I have to include it since so many people these days seems to feel that they are “supposed” to exercise around the beginning of the year. This is ridiculous on the face of it – how are you going to maintain that protective layer of fat that will keep you warm and feed you over the winter if you start burning it off with pointless movement? The secret to keeping the weight on is to take in more calories than you use – and besides, baby, it’s cold outside! This is the time to huddle in front of the fire drinking cocoa and eggnog and watching reruns of Big Bang Theory, not running around like a gazelle on speed.
3. That’s it, really… eat and sleep. Happy solstice to one and all!
sightless among miracles 
Amen.
Hey! How have you been? Haven’t talked to you in a while…
Also, I advise you to start drinking heavily.
(“Listen to him, he’s pre-med.”)
— Feral Boy
Alcohol definitely helps! It’s particularly useful in combating the desire to be active, which is the enemy of weight gain.